Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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