Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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