Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
