Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
