I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
time to smoke my breakfast
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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