don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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