he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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