Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I AM VODKA MAN
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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