I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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