My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
