I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
