you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
