Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
