You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize