The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
