just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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