She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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