Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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