im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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