My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
