Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
