I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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