I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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