you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
