Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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