If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Randomize
