Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
4 words: hood of his car
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
