I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Randomize
