I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
