I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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