You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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