He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
