good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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