In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
