I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
