someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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