Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
My feet surprised me
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