OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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