Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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