i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I love having hate sex.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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