highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
