I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
