Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
