you guys were way drunker than both of me
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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