My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
