Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
