My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
