My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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