please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
that may or may not have been my penis.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
