I CAN MOONWALK!
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Randomize
