Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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