Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
