remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
