We need to rekindle our bromance
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
