her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
