Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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