her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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